The Darker Days
What your about to read may take you by surprise, or it may be something you can relate to, or it may remind you of someone who has went through similar. This is not meant for a cry for help or a form of self-pity, it is meant as a form of release, a form of empowerment, and to give some light to a situation you may not have seen. It is also documentation for my own insight on how much better I have become in my journey. Read further at your own risk.
This had been taken from my journal………
First day in such a long time, that I felt the urge to cut. It totally sucks not knowing who you are from one day to the next. Pain can overcome every emotion I have and I just have to snap out of it. No matter the good in my life, no matter the good I have to look forward to, the demon known as depression will find a way back into my life. Stealing every joy, every goal, every good thing I’ve accomplished. He turns his ugly cloud over my head and makes me want to give up or go back to the old me.
That nearly uncontrollable thought has doomed my life many times. I don’t ever want to be that old Patience. That girl who didn’t care, that girl who thought of no one’s feelings, that girl lost the world, and ultimately didn’t care about herself. That’s not me. I used to think that addicts used the excuse they couldn’t remember until I was a victim to that. It’s the scariest occurrence ever.
I have learned, I have grown, but I continuously feel the need to seek approval. I’ve also realized that this issues/void cannot be filled. I have tried. It’s a chemical my brain is lacking that I once filled with drugs, alcohol, or whatever was available. The effect: someone who I am not but I was pain free and that felt fabulous. Even if it was brief.
Everyone I have loved or has loved me has let me down as I know I have them. No one gets the real turmoil in my heart or my mind. Heck, I don’t even understand it. While I am aware that no one is perfect, I can never shake this depression. At least not forever. My decision to be un-medicated is my choice and I know some will say that is completely stupid. But again it is my choice and that’s not what I want anymore.
This is me, the pain and all. The Patience that no one sees. But I can honestly say I will never resort to that LIFE AGAIN.